The next part of our journey began in two different settings (in my classroom and at home)....both of which I knew were not normal.  They had been happening long enough that I thought it was probably time to talk to my doctor and get help. 

 

At home, I noticed that I was getting sad for no apparent reason.  Not sad, like normal.  Sad, like....I'm in the middle of a fun family activity, and all the sudden I feel the need to excuse myself to the bathroom so I can go cry uncontrollably.  I knew....this is not normal.  

 

At school, I noticed that I was feeling "out of control" in my body.  I was having chest pains, racing heart, shaking hands, tripping over my words, and anger that felt trapped inside my body.  My students were starting to notice as well, and kept asking me why my hands were shaking.  I knew that all of this.....was not normal.  

 

So, I made an appointment and went to see my doctor.  This was an incredibly HARD appointment to go to!!  It is not easy to sit in that chair and bare all to a relative stranger.  The first couple sentences were the hardest.  When the doctor asks why you are there.  And you have to admit....in your own words....that things are not okay.  I began crying as I tried to get my words out, as this was probably the first time I had admitted these feelings out loud.  I told her that I was crying all the time for no reason and I was feeling "out of control" with life.  As she listened, she quietly grabbed the kleenex box for me and just let me get it all out.  She kept reassuring me that these feelings were real and that she could see it was affecting me greatly.  While sitting there, she actually pointed out physical signs that she could see.  On my arms, for quite some time, I had been picking my skin (old mosquito bites) and my arms were covered in noticeable scabs.  She pointed out that this was also a sign of anxiety.  It was so relieving to finally be able to tell someone all of these feelings....and have them validate that these feelings were real, and I didn't have to live life feeling this way.  There was help available.  

 

At this point, I began my journey with anti-depressant medication, and I can tell you honestly, it CHANGED MY LIFE!!!

I know that medication isn't the answer for everyone...but for me, it was what I needed to break through the fog.  

 

I began on the lowest dose, and within two days I could notice the physical changes in my body.  I wasn't having the racing heart or chest pains anymore and I felt calmer.  Over the next few months I would go through stages.  The medication would work great at first, then I would start to notice the anxiety symptoms start to creep back (racing heart, chest pains, shaking hands).  When these symptoms started to reappear I noticed them immediately, and I didn't like that feeling.  Now I knew what it felt like to be calm and in control, and I didn't want to feel anxious anymore.  Modern technology made it easy for me to send my doctor a message, explaining my new/reoccurring symptoms, and my doctor would increase the dosage for me.  Little by little, my life started to feel like it was getting back under control.  I liked this new feeling and finally started to feel in control of my life again.

 

The next step of my journey introduced counseling into my life.  When I first asked my doctor about counseling, I got a list of possible counselors...but never acted on it.  The confusion of how to find a therapist that was covered by insurance, in combination of the embarrassment of wanting to talk to a counselor, and my self doubt (that my problems weren't big enough for therapy) prevented me from taking any action.  I just tucked that information away and continued on my journey.  But....as my other daughter started to show some concerning signs that made us suspect OCD/anxiety, we once again began the process of diving into another area of mental health.  I also noticed similar signs of OCD in myself as well (more on that in a different post) so I decided to once again look into counseling for myself.  My reason now for wanting to talk with a therapist wasn't so much to talk about my own issues, but rather to learn about how OCD/anxiety worked in my own life so that I could better help my daughter who was going through these same issues.  Somehow, I found that more justifiable....to pursue help for my daughter's sake, instead of just purely for myself.  This thinking was WRONG!  

 

Pursing therapy for yourself is not....

• selfish
• wrong
• a waste of time/money

 

I truly think that the therapy that I completed is what actually changed my thinking and my behaviors....more so than medication alone could have done.  I got put on a waiting list for a therapist at the mental health center in Rice Lake, and after an initial meeting to discuss diagnosis' and goals then I began biweekly counseling sessions.  My therapist preferred telehealth, and at first I did not like the idea of meeting over a screen.  For some reason I didn't think it would be as effective.  I was wrong!  Meeting through telehealth proved to be just as effective as meeting in person, and it allowed a lot more flexibility with my busy schedule.  I remember doing some of my appointments in my classroom after school, and some of them were done in my car in between kids activities.  

 

The thing about therapy (at least for me).....when you go into a session ready to complain about someone/something that is frustrating you in life, more often than not you come out of that session with a new realization of how your own behaviors have shaped that situation.  Therapy allowed me to go beyond the complaining and actually dig deep to see how my own attitudes & behaviors were actually clouding my judgement on situations that were happening to me and around me.  It helped me let go of the things that I couldn't control, and take responsibility for the things that I could control.  It also helped me be aware of the thoughts & behaviors that I was exhibiting that made life more frustrating for myself and those around me.  

 

I would HIGHLY suggest therapy for anyone that is struggling!  It allowed me a place to vent without worrying about hurting anyone's feelings, and it allowed me professional guidance as I began digging into my own attitudes/behavior and taking responsibility for how my life is and how I wanted it to be.  

 

Unfortunately, in our country, therapy is not valued as much as it should be.  Beyond a couple introductory sessions, my biweekly therapy sessions were not covered by insurance.  After 6 months of counseling, I felt that I had made enough progress that I could no longer justify spending that much money on myself.  I waited until after the holiday season (as that is my hardest time for depression) and then cancelled my sessions.  I have the option to go back at any time with my same counselor...and almost took that leap a couple weeks ago when I began struggling with my children's issues so much that I felt myself needing to talk to someone again.  Thanks to a couple great friends, I know that I need to get all these feelings off my chest to stay healthy in my own mind.  So, thanks to our wonderful healthcare system....I've decided that this website is a more cost effective solution than paying over $300 out of pocket for each therapy session.  So far, it has done the trick.  Typing out my story has been very therapeutic for my mind, and hopefully it will help someone else along the way as well in their own journey through mental health.  I've had a few years to think through this whole process we've been on.  Below are my thoughts about my journey....they may sound cliche, but they are incredibly true!

 

Closing thoughts on my experience with anxiety/depression...

• Find someone to talk to.....a friend, coworker, family. 
  • You can't keep it all bottled up inside...without doing significant damage to your body and mind.  
• You are not alone
  • Once I started talking openly about my struggles...
  • I COULDN"T BELIEVE how many people in my life were also walking this same path
• You don't have to feel this way!
  • If you are feeling sad, overwhelmed, or just not yourself.....there is help available. 
  • It does not have to be a life sentence of being miserable.....unless that is the choice that you make.  
• It's okay to ask for help.
  • No one can help you unless you share how you are feeling.  
  • Nothing will change....until you make that leap of reaching out to somebody.  
• You have to be real with yourself.
  • When you refuse to acknowledge your shortcomings or struggles....it affects more than just you.
  • Your state of mental health.....affects the relationship your friends and family are able to have with you.

 

• It's not an easy path....but YOU are WORTH IT!!

Just for fun....let's take a survey

Click on the link below to share (anonymously) how mental health affects your life. 

I bet you'll be surprised by how prevalent it is.