The next part of our journey...OCD.....probably not the way you think.

 

OCD is my blessing & curse at the same time.  It allows me to get things done to a high quality....but sucks the time and energy from my life if I'm not careful.  

 

How to describe the type of OCD that I experience......???  

When you hear OCD, you probably think of a fear of germs, obsessively locking doors, and having everything in perfect order.  That is definately what it is like for some people.  But....that is definately NOT how I experience OCD.  If you've ever seen my house or classroom...you will know pretty quickly that germs and I have a healthy relationship and we can share the space nicely.  Growing up doing lots of dusting and polishing, and Saturday morning deep cleans, has left me a little lax in the cleaning arena...much to my husbands disapproval.  :)  And my spaces are a mixture of everything in perfect order....while at the same time having organized chaos if you look in a different part of the room.  

 

Here is how I experience OCD...

Having the incessant internal voice, that tells me I ABSOLUTELY NEED to have things....

• organized and labeled
• color coded
• done to completion....right away
• done to perfection 
• planned out well in advance
• done the same way...every time
• researched and understood at the highest level possible
• a need for control of situations (this I didn't realize was happening until therapy)
• a need to have all time used constructively, without wasting any moment

 

All of these things, probably don't make you think of OCD.  Honestly, when I first started this journey, I wasn't sure if they qualified as OCD either.  I did a lot of research (of course....hence the OCD) and couldn't find a ton of information out there beyond your typical OCD symptoms.  (My therapist reassured me that yes....these were obsessions, and yes....they were affecting my life).  In OCD, the O stands for obsessive.  These are the thoughts that you have going through your mind, even though you know they are wrong, unhealthy, or unrealistic.  The C stands for compulsive.  These are the actions that you take because of all of the thoughts that you are having.  All of the things on the list above could actually be positive traits that would help you live a successful life.....until they start taking over your life.  That's when they become a problem.

 

For a quick illustration....this is how OCD has affected me just today....

I took my son to his ski jumping tournament today and had the whole day to spend with him in this beautiful weather.   My first thought was which Caribou Coffee we were going to stop at along the way (everyone loves there coffee....but for me, it's become an unhealthy obsession that I just can't seem to kick).  My next thought was I can't wait to get to the hill so I'll have some free time to type this page up.  (OCD means that I've been obsessing over how I want to write this page for days, and have actually started typing it a couple times, but it wasn't quite perfect....so I erased it and started over.  Probably not the best use of my time or energy, I know).  While waiting for my son to jump I wanted to use all of my time effectively so I walked up and down the stairs for exercise (not necessarily a bad thing)...but then I noticed the stairs weren't shoveled so I spent the next hour "shoveling" the stairs by kicking them clear with my boot.  And then I was frustrated that I didn't get them all finished....but I made sure that each row was at least evenly cleared.  In our downtime sitting in the car, I was once again trying my hand at this page, and was getting frustrated that my son was trying to talk to me so much and I couldn't concentrate and I wouldn't be able to finish before his grandparents came to watch him compete.  On the way home I was driving so I told myself that I should probably get another coffee (hence the coffee obsession).  I went to get off the highway for my....4th coffee of the day, and then decided I didn't really need it and switched lanes at the last minute.  Only to get coffee later down the road (I actually made this decision as I was switching lanes....that I would stop again later).  All of this may not seem like a big deal....but when it starts to control your thoughts, and affect the way you interact with your loved ones....then it IS a big deal! 

 

Thankfully, I am on medication now that helps me realize when these thoughts are happening and helps me keep the compulsions under control, but that was not the case a year ago.  Today, I had a wonderful day with my son and was able to balance my desire to get things "done" with spending quality time with my son and family.  I was able to step away from this page and focus on what was really important....a day with my family.  A year ago....I would have continued to obsess about what I wanted to get done, and then I would have gotten really snippy with my son and (unintentionally) made him feel bad for wanting to talk to me and spend time with me.  I would have buried myself in my own little world until I "completed" my task.  

 

This is how my life went for many years, without me even realizing it.  At school, I was constantly researching new ideas and feeling the need to start HUGE projects that were not necessary or expected of me.  I would stay late at school and have trouble pulling myself away from my projects to go home and spend time with my family.  I was overwhelming myself (and my students) with too many unnecessary ideas that just cluttered our daily routines and resulted in unrealistic goals that I set for myself as a teacher, and I was loosing out on valuable family time as my obsessive ideas would come home with me and continue into the evening and weekends.  

 

At home, this OCD looked a little different.  As our life got more hectic trying to juggle the activities of 3 kids, I became overwhelmed with our schedule and I began "organization systems" to help structure our life.  This in itself doesn't sound like a bad thing....until it starts overtaking you.  I had a calendar to write down our activities and appointments.  Then I had a weekly whiteboard to organize our activities by morning, afternoon, and evening.  Then I began freaking out if my family tried to suggest a last minute activity that wasn't on the calendar.  My poor husband would try to point out simple household tasks that needed to be done sometime in the near future, and I would freak out and panic because once they were said out loud, I felt they needed to be done RIGHT NOW!  When I was in a panic about getting all these things done....I was not very easy to deal with and became very defensive and unreasonable.  I couldn't see how my ideas were getting out of hand....I could only feel that it HAD TO BE PERFECT and COMPLETED.  This was incredibly exhausting, for both myself, and my family.  

 

I am very thankful that I am on medication now that helps me keep these urges under control.  My therapy helped immensely as well.  When I would be talking with my therapist during our weekly sessions I would go on and on about whatever was overwhelming me in life, and she always was able to find a gentle, but honest way to help me see that it was my thoughts making the situation overwhelming, and that I had the ability to take control if I could recognize them.  

 

I still have these overwhelming thoughts....all the time, but now I recognize them and I can make the choice to decide if they are rational thoughts that are worth my time and energy, or just adding complication to my life.  Today, that meant I was able to walk away from this page and focus on my son and family.  It meant that I was able to stop "shoveling" the steps in the middle of the job before they were completely done....because that was not even something I needed to be doing in the first place.  

 

I've had to take steps to control my overwhelming thoughts and take away the temptations and distractions that they were causing in my life.  Here are some things I've done to help take control back of my daily thoughts and ideas....

• deleting Facebook off my phone (it was sucking up SO much of my time!)
• turning off notifications on Facebook (I would obsessively check to see if I had messages)
• turning off all email & messenger notifications (I felt the need to address them immediately when they popped up)
• leaving all of the teacher groups that I had joined (too many unnecessary ideas that I felt the need to act on)
• throwing away "projects" once I realize that I'm just chasing another unrealistic idea down a rabbit hole
• dedicating time to spend with my family on the evenings and weekends
• leaving school work....at school
• saying "NO" to my daughter more frequently (as she also gets overwhelmed with too many ideas....it was easy to get sucked into her over planning and constant need to be doing something)
• Asking my husband to gentle let me know if he notices that I'm getting obsessive about something (this has been truly helpful....for both of us!!)

 

This whole post, is woefully inadequate to try and describe how OCD affects my thoughts and actions on a daily basis.  But, I am fighting the urge to delete this and start over......AGAIN.  So I'm taking my mom's advice and trying to be okay with things being "good enough" and resisting the urge to continue for hours down this rabbit hole until I feel it is "perfect."  Too much of my life has already been wasted on unnecessary tasks that took me away from the things that mattered the most....my family! 

 

This is what was most important today!

My amazing boy....giving his all.

And the quality time that I got to spend with him.

 

Picture credit goes to Grandpa....thanks!!!