Mental Health - know your triggers

I can't tell you how accurate this picture really is.  This is exactly what depression felt like for me......forcing a smile, trying to convince yourself that you're happy, while feeling miserable inside.  That is a place that I never want to go back to for sure!!  But, at the time, I didn't even realize that anything was wrong.  It's hard to fix what you aren't aware of.  Throughout this journey over the last couple years I have come to realize how important it is for me to be able to recognize the things that trigger me, so that I can avoid going down the same unhealthy path.  

 

I'm sure that mental health triggers are different for everyone....but for me, I have come to realize what many of my triggers are and it has helped me to correct many situations before they get out of my control.  The medicine that I take has greatly decreased my depression (which I am incredibly grateful for!!), but it only lessens the OCD and anxiety.  Those are things that I still have to keep in check on my own.  Sometimes I am successful with that.....and other times, not so much.  ;-)

 

I have also come to realize how the traits of autism and dyslexia (that I feel I probably have)  affect my mental health and the way I view the world and the people around me.  This has brought me some peace as I better understand why I think the way that I do.  

 

I apologize if the writing that follows this is ridiculously long....but these thoughts have been floating around in my head for about 3 weeks now (hello OCD) and I know that it usually takes me 2-3 hours to finish one of these posts (courtesy of OCD, anxiety, and possible dyslexia) so today I finally feel like I have the time to sit down and pour out my thoughts.  Again, sorry if this is ridiculously long.  

My triggers that affect my own mental health.....

Just for reference....these are the typical traits of dyslexia & autism that I feel affect my mental health due to the way that I think

  • Autism - hyper focused on special interests, rigid thinking, difficulty communicating, great empathy for others, need for a routine
  • Dyslexia - big picture thinking, poor memory recall, difficulty organizing tasks & ideas, creative problem solvers
My triggers.... How they affect me....
Too Many Ideas I have come to realize that my mind has trouble sorting tasks into what is important now, and what can wait until later. In my mind, everything feels like it should be finished RIGHT NOW, which is incredibly stressful and frustrating for both me and my husband. He will start listing off things that need to get done around the house (in the future) and I will immediately start to panic and get all crabby and emotional because I get so overwelmed with the "to do" list that I have just created in my head. This also affects me greatly at school because I am always in the middle of creating a million "great ideas" and can't really do any of them to completion. A couple of ways that I have found to counter act this trigger.... I deleted most of my education pages on Facebook because I realized I couldn't handle seeing all those ideas without wanting to try them in my classroom. I also realized that when my husband starts sharing ideas of things he notices around the house that I need to clarify the timeframe that he is thinking of for completion. This has greatly reduced my anxiety about house projects and helped me from getting all anxious and acting like a fool....for no reason. Unfortunately at school, it seems like a lost cause this year. My room is an absolute train wreck with all of the half finished projects and "great ideas" that I've had in the last few months. At this point, with 11 days left of school, I've given up on conquoring all the ideas and I'm just waiting for summer when I can spend multiple weeks sorting it all out. This leads well into the next trigger...
"Tunnel Vision" thinking I predict that my classroom will be a trigger for me this summer and I will really need to keep myself in check to avoid getting obbsessive. In my mind, I know what I want things to look like in the end, and I will keep at it until it gets to that point....no matter how long it takes. This ends up taking me away from spending time with my family and focusing on my own healthy lifestyle habits that I want to pursue. It also means that I'm typically doing "work" all the time and not being able to relax and do things just for fun. I'm working on this, but I have to consciously stop myself when I notice that I'm becoming obsessive. I have a lot of throughts in my head for the future, both at school and at home, but I have to keep reminding myself that it doesn't have to be finished "right now." And, what I am working on....isn't necessarily everyone else's top priority so I need to make sure I am keeping life balanced.
Rigid scheduling and the need for a predictable routine My poor family....in my attempt to try and organize the schedule of a busy family with three young kids, I long ago created a 3-tiered planning system, which has been very helpful, but my reliance on it can be frustrating for them at times. The first tier of our system is the monthly calendar hanging on our wall. All of our family activities/appointments go on this calendar, but they can only be written in pencil or the OCD in me freaks out if it has to be crossed off instead of simply erased. This calendar helps organize our long term planning. Then comes the weekly whiteboard schedule. All of the weeks activities for the week are written on here and then erased as they are completed each day. It is a little sad how much pleasure it gives me to be able to erase things as we complete them. Our weekly whiteboard schedule wasn't quite good enough...so I had to divide each day up into morning/afternoon/evening which helps me not feel overwhelmed if there is a lot going on in one day. This system has worked wonderfully for me over the years....but my poor husband. Somewhere along the line I became very rigid in my thinking and would completely freak out if he tried to add something to our day that wasn't written on the whiteboard. I've calmed down a little in this area....but in reality I have only replaced it with a new schedule. If he has lots of ideas to add to the day then I insist on a checklist on notebook paper on our counter. It's a wonder he puts up with me. But knowing what is coming ahead in my schedule really does give me a sense of calm and peace of mind.

Okay....break time.  True to my claims...it has taken me about an hour and half to get this far.  Organizing all these ideas in my head is no easy task.  ;-)

 

Knowing that tunnel vision is one of my triggers, I forced myself to stop briefly to use the bathroom and quick throw some chicken in the oven so I could have something healthy for dinner (It's already quarter to seven at night.  If I was truly in control, I would have stopped this project and went in a made a compete dinner instead of just chicken breasts that I can gnaw on in a half hour.  But, when I can't control the tunnel vision, then i would have skipped dinner and continued with my obsessions.  I have not made my family near enough dinners in the past couple years due to difficulty controlling these obsessions.  

 

Okay....back to typing away.  ;-)

My triggers... How they affect me...
My health - and difficulty getting back to a healthy lifestyle I have gone through many phases in my life of being unhealthy and then getting healthy again. Through each one of my pregnencies I let the OCD overtake me and gained anywhere from 50-70 pounds with each baby. But, I was incredibly proud of myself that I was able to loose all of the weight, every single time and get myself back into shape. My journey to be healthy is not one of trying to be "skinny", but rather feeling comfortable in my skin and being able to enjoy life the way I want to. My ultimate goal is that I want to be healthy and in shape in old age so that I can enjoy my retirement years. I have done a lot of research over the years and have learned a lot about the types of food that we should be eating and how much exersize is needed to maintain a healthy body. I'm no expert by any means, but I feel I have a good understanding of what it takes to be healthy. And I've gone through the process 4 times already (high school & then after 3 pregnancies) to know that it works. It has been INCREDIBLY frustrating then, to have been in the same circular battle for the last 10 years! Trying to get myself healthy and constantly ending back in the same place. I think this truly is what has caused a lot of my depression. I also have been very active in trying to teach my children healthy habits, so they don't struggle in the same ways that I do. It is already working as I've watched one of my children go through the cycle of unhealthy to healthy for the first time. To try and fight these feelings of depression I have to constantly remind myself to put things in perspective and focus on the here and now. I can adjust my expectations for now, while I try and get some of these other things under control, and revisit this battle at a later date. For now, I have my children at home with me for only a few more precious years and I need to enjoy the time I have with them instead of obsessing over things that I'm having trouble controlling.
Lack of energy, motivation It is a vicious cycle. You're tired so you disconnect from others and curl up on your couch or in bed wasting time on your phone or watching TV. Then you feel sad and depressed that you're not being the best "you" that you can be so you try and force the energy with caffine...only to crash later feeling just as tired as before. I was recently reminded how important it is to keep up to date with your yearly check ups with a doctor. Part of the struggle is that the feelings you have (sadness, tired, overwhelmed, etc.) if you ignore them long enough they just start to feel normal and you can't remember feeling any other way. Truly, I had no idea that I was anxious until the depression set in. That feeling of "overwhelmed" had just become my norm. In similar fashion, being tired all the time had just become my norm. When I would have my check ups with the doctor and ask if I had been feeling tired, light headed, or dizzy my answer was always no. Because in my mind I had always had all these things and it was no worse than before. I was getting older and more out of shape, so I figured that was why I was always tired. Come to find out through my last routine blood work, I am actually anemic and that is what has been causing me to be so tired. Hmmm....that could explain the lack of progress on getting healthy again. My motivation would go great for a couple days and then I would just be too tired. I've been taking iron supplements (and vitamin D) for the last week and I can't believe how much more energy I have. I didn't realize how exhausted I actually was all the time. I am hopeful that I will have more progress in the future. If nothing else, I should have more energy for my family. My next step in health....is a sleep study. I've been putting it off for years because I didn't want to deal with it, but our hotel excursion last weekend illustrated the great need.....for the good of those around me. ;-) I am hopeful that this will also increase my energy level and help me get back on the right track. My kids, husband, and dogs all deserve to have me healthy and energetic and so I can be the best mom/wife possible.
Emotional tension This has been another trigger for my depression, and a lack of being able to read social cues and difficulties communicating during these times has increased my anxiety. As a teenager I realized how uncomfortable arguing made me when my best friend used to argue with her mom and I would get all anxious inside. I grew up with just my mom and brother in the house, so there was rarely any arguing and almost never any yelling. So I didn't quite know how to handle it when I was eventually surrounded with those emotions. This has interfered with my work a few times throughout my life, when I would get so overwelmed with the tension that I would just emotionally and mentally break down. Luckily, my husband and I have never really "fought". I used to think it was because both of us were so mellow (not necessarily true), but now I realize it's because when things get tense I have two responses. Bury all the feelings inside and walk away....or cry. Neither one is very helpful and both increase the feelings of depression inside me. Since realizing this, I have been able to force myself to talk through more things as they come up instead of just burying the feelings. It usually helps to take a little break from the situation first, and then come back to talk. Because I have realized that if I stay away and ignore the problem, then the depression will take over. Addressing the problem works well with my immediate family, but I'm still not great at confronting issues with others. I still tend to bottle things up and let them eat away at me. When I do try to explain my thoughts, I usually end up tripping over my words or not being able to clearly express what I'm thinking. This is an area I am still working on....
Obsessive focus on "special" topics Over the years I have gone through different stages of what I am obsessed with. School for sure has been an obsession for me. Wanting to get things "just right". My current special interest that seems to have taken over my life is learning about Dyslexia. The majority of my freetime is spent either doing work for my college classes to learn more, trying to adapt my teaching to include multisensory techniques, or researching more about dyslexia online. I realize how much of my life has been consumed by this in the last year, but with my tunnel vision thinking...I have an end goal in mind and it's hard to put things aside until it's completed. I also have to remind myself that everyone else isn't quite as excited as I am to learn everything there is to know about the topic and I don't need to constantly share things. Reading others social cues....I've realized that I talk way too much about the things I'm really passionate about.
Overly empathetic, Wanting to "fix" everything I've come to realize that I have a really big heart and want to "save the world," sometimes at the expense of my own mental health. I first remember this in college when I signed up for the Peace Corps. I was signing up to go to Africa to "save the world" and would have ended up going if not for a financial obstacle that eliminated this chance for me. I'm still a little sad that I didn't get to experience this, although I do wonder if that would have altered my future path. I also notice this whenever there is a tragedy. I tend to get wrapped up in the events and they override my thoughts and actions trying to make everything better or come to some understanding of why it happened. I've learned that while sad things happen, I can be sad about the event without getting wrapped up in it in an unhealthy way. School is another place that I see this taking over in my actions. As a teacher, I want to be able to help ALL of the kids! And sadly, there are some situations that cannot be fixed by a dedicated, caring teacher...no matter how much time you put in. It breaks my heart to see students going down the wrong path due to the situations they have been placed in. I am constantly reminded that not every child is blessed with the loving family environment that I have been able to experience. And it breaks my heart that I can't fix that for them. This causes a lot of anxiety in me and leads to me obsessing over certain students, trying to fix the things that are out of my control.
How I think life "should be" lived I have realized over the last couple years that I have certain ideals about how I think life "should be" and I've created expectations in my head for others, that aren't mine to create. I guess it kind of goes hand in hand with wanting to "fix" everything. Having a daughter with autism has really opened my eyes to the fact that the future that I envision for people, may not be the future that they want. What is important to me in life, may not be important to them. This has helped me to relieve the anxiety of not being able to control everything, and allowed me to find peace in things I may not agree with. My therapist really helped me to come to terms with the fact that as my kids go out into the world....I don't get to decide or influence how they live their life. They will be there own adult selves and get to make their own choices....good or bad. That's going to be a hard one for me to handle I think, but my mindset has really changed over the last year.

Well...this has been pretty rambling....and I'm not sure that it even gets out all of the thoughts in my head, but 3 1/2 hours later and I'm calling it quits.  "Good enough" as my mother has taught me.  

 

Realizing my triggers has helped me avoid many mental health regressions and I am grateful that I have become more aware of my thoughts and actions.  

 

I hope that none of you have to feel like the picture to the left.  If you get to this point you are already drowning in your mental health.  Discover what your own triggers are, so you don't have to get to this point of hopelessness anymore.  

 

Medication helped slow down my thoughts enough that I could recognize how far down I had sunk and what it had been like to feel "normal" so long ago.  Therapy is what really helped me dig inside myself to realize what makes me tick and how to counteract those things.