After many months away, I am back with loads of thoughts swarming around my head.  I've wanted to come on here many times over the past few months, but I'm beginning to be able to recognize my unhealthy habits and have been trying hard to set limits for myself to keep my mental health in check.  

So, even though I had a LOT of thoughts that I wanted to get out of my head, I knew that taking time away from all of the other things happening in life at the time would cause me to become obbsessive and would only create stress and anxiety.  Now that summer is over, and the fall chores are coming closer to being ready for winter...I finally feel like I can have the time to spare to sit down at the keyboard and process all of these thoughts.  

Over the last few months I've ended up doing a lot of soul searching, reflection, and acceptance.  I've come to peace with many things in my life that I now realize have been causing me great anxiety for years.  I'm actually glad that I haven't had time to write for so long, because a lot of the things that have caused me frustration, anger, and resentment in the past months/years, I now have a competely different outlook on.  I've come to understand things about myself, my family, my friends, and my work that have created peace and acceptance in my mind.  I feel like I have a new calm within my emotions that was not there even just a few months before.    For this I am grateful.  

Now that I've learned more about my mental health and my own triggers, I have gotten much better at being able to recognize when things are starting to spiral and my obsessions are creating unhealthy balances in my life.  I am still working on being able to take action to stop the obsessions from creating stress in life, this is definately a process that I am having to figure out as I go, but I feel like recognition of the problem is half of the battle.  I am trying to give myself grace and know that I won't have all the answer immediately, and that this is a process that will keep progressing throughout my life as situations change and create new obstacles.  

I am learning to accept my current limitations and giving myself grace and the gift of time.  "Not yet" has become my internal mantra.  There are a million things that I want to accomplish that I obsess about in my mind.  Now I have finally allowed acceptance in my heart that....1) the time will eventually come and it just isn't the right time yet.... or 2) these things might never happen....and that's okay too.  

I almost feel like it's been a mid-life crisis of sorts, as I begin to transition from my entire world revolving around my children and their needs.... to watching them transition into self sufficient adults and having time for "me" again.  

These are some of the things that I have made peace with in my mind....

My Strengths.....and Weaknesses

We are all good at many things....and we all equally suck at many things.  I have come to terms with my "many things" and that has lifted a lot of anxiety from my heart.  I've embraced the things I am good at...and come to terms with the things that are not at the top of that list.  :-)

Social Justice and Equity

Don't get alarmed by the heading....this is nothing political or controversial.  It's just that I've come to accept that this is the way that my brain thinks and that is what causes a lot of anxiety in my mind.  I've come to realize that in my mind, I want everything to be equitable and available....for EVERYONE and when I see things in society that just don't seem right or fair, it triggers my mind and I just want to "fix it" and think that society should want to fix it as well. 

Now, whether this type of thinking is right or wrong, or even realistic is besides the point.  This is simply the way my mind works and helps me to understand why some things bother me so much and create so much anxiety.  It also helps me to understand how my obsessions feed into this and helps me to set better limits for myself.  

My mom always said that as a teenager/young adult....I always had a "chip on my shoulder" and without good cause considering the childhood and lifestyle I had been afforded.  Now, I understand this better.  Yes...I did have a chip on my shoulder, but not for myself.  It was the things happening in my area and around the world that I thought should be "fixed" to be fair for everyone.

Some of the things that trigger this line of thinking in my mind....

• the cycle of generational poverty  - (especially how it affects children who are helpless victims....but eventually grow up to be adults who either continue the cycle, or somehow manage to break the cycle)
• Healthcare and the access to resources 
• Childcare and access to resources
• Mental health care and the lack of resources
• Educational inequalities (let's face it....kids in the inner cities don't get the same quality of education that my kids get....not to mention kids in third world countries that don't even have access to education.
• Abuse & neglect
• the list could go on and on.....

I've gotten a little better at setting limits for myself and realizing that I can't "fix it all."  Some things are beyond our control and even though it sucks...that's the way life is.  I try to make the little differences that I can, while keeping my own mental health in check and maintaining a healthy balance.

Learning about Dyslexia is a whole other battle that I have to try and tame.  Now that I have learned so much and have so many ideas, I want to help ALL of the kids who are struggling like my son was.  But, for my own sanity, I have to realize that realistically, I can't do it all and still maintain a healthy mind, body, and family.  That is one of the dreams that I am putting off for the future, and hopefully some day I will be able to do more, but right now I realize that I can only take on so much.  

Guilt of Success

Because my mind feels that everyone should have equity in opportunities, I have carried a lot of guilt through my life of the success I've had.  By all accounts, I have had a very happy life with a wonderful childhood, a tight loving immediate family, and the opportunity to build the life I've always dreamed for myself.  

Seeing the situations that some children are in has made me appreciate the path my life has taken and the successes that I've had the opportunity to pursue.  Coming from a split family, with a mother who was a stay at home mom at the time of the split...I am very aware of how differently my life could have turned out.  It wouldn't have mattered how much I wanted success.  I was fortunate enough to have a mother who made personal sacrifices and worked her but off to make sure that us kids had what we needed.  She was fortunate enough to have parents and a brother (my grandparents and uncle) that stepped up and helped provide support and a loving shoulder to cry on when needed.  I have had the humbling experience of walking through the food shelf to get groceries , accepting donated clothes, and attending bankrupcy court proceedings.  

All of this has helped me to truly appreciate where my life has taken me.  Many children have crossed my path over my past 20 years of teaching, and my heart absolutely breaks for the children that have come from a similar situation as mine, but their futures don't look near as bright.  The support of family and friends can mean the difference between breaking the cycle and continuing the cycle.  

I have also had the humbling experience of being awarded with something that was not really mine, but was provided to me by someone who had made smart choices and worked their own butt off to get where they are.  I benefited from someone else's fortune or misfortune and that has caused great feelings of unworthiness in my heart.  I have worked through those emotions, in addition to working my own butt off to create a successful teaching career and family.  I am now able to have friends and family over to my beautiful house without feeling guilty or "spoiled" by the cards that life has dealt me.  I only wish the hard working single mother's I know and friends dealing with disabilities and other hardships could also have similar cards dealt to them.  

Family Structure

I've come to realize that the image of "family" doesn't always match preconcieved notions...and that is okay.  Trying to create "perfect" has caused a lot of mental anguish and depression for myself, and I am so grateful that I have come to terms with "different" and I now have peace in my heart.  Having a young adult daughter on the autism spectrum has really helped open my eyes to the different ways people view relationships and interactions.  It has helped me better understand that not everyone is able to show affection and love in the same way.  It's an odd feeling to "know that you are loved, but to still feel unwanted or unimportant."  There have been so many instances both in my life, and in the lives of people I care about, where that statement could be true. 

But, I think that is exactly the way I would describe how my daughter with autism views the world, and how others might perceive her attitude. She shows love in a different way, that isn't obvious to everyone.  I know that she loves us to the end of the world and beyond....even though she can be home for an entire summer and only interact with us a handful of times.  To the unknowing eye, this could seem like indifference or lack of desire for family.  But, we know that she just shows her feelings differently than typically expected.  

Knowing this, has really helped me come to terms with times in the past where myself, and others I care about, have felt unwanted or unimportant, even though deep down we knew there really was a loving connection there.  Not everyone shows love in the same way.  And while that can be confusing  and hurtful for the mind of a child/adult who is unaware....it is okay.  The love is still there.  

My health

If you've read any of my other posts, it's no secret that my health is one of the things I obsess about. Really, it has been a struggle all of my life...since about 4th grade when hormones kicked in. But, the last ten years or so maintaining a healthy weight, lifestyle, and mindset has seemed out of reach for me....no matter what I tried.

I can now see that my mental health had a LOT to do with this, in addition to the general repairs and updates and tune ups that all of our bodies need with age.

I've never had any issues with growing older and plan to age with grace and peacefulness. After all, pictures of my brother remind me all the time that not everyone has the opportunity to see their golden years. But, in the last few years I've had to accept that I can only do so much at one time, and the underlying issues need to be dealth with before the surface level changes can happen. Instead of focusing on getting to the gym everyday, I first need to tackle the bigger issues.....getting anxiety under control (meds), getting quality sleep (sleep doctor visit), health check with blood work (hmm....anemia, no wonder I was always tired!!), actually cooking family meals again (these darn schedules of teenagers put quite a hamper on family meals!).

I know the chaos of raising teenagers is only a temporary stage in life and eventually things will calm down and I'll have the time to get back into routines. I feel like I'm an all or nonthing person. When I start something give 110% and there's nothing left over. Right now, my 110% is being spent on my children and my students at school, and I'm looking forward to the time when I can dedicate that 110% on myself. I know this isn't an ideal way to go through life, you have to have balance and leave time for yourself....and I try really hard to do that, but the obsessive thinking in my brain always seems to take over and things eventually become unbalanced again.  At least now I can recognize the signs and try to make small changes.

For now, I'll make the little changes that I can, and give myself grace when obsessions take over and I need to reset my priorities....time and time again.