Autism - part 3 (Could this be me?)

After doing a LOT of research on the signs and symptoms of autism, I began to notice that I could see many of these traits in myself and my loved ones, and it made me wonder.... Could this be an explanation for some of my own quirks and struggles throughout life?  

 

Let me be clear right away....I do not claim to be autistic myself.  That is a medical or educational diagnosis, which I do not have.  Do I have plans to be assessed in the future for autism....nope!  Why?......It is not necessary for my journey through life.  I have made it this far and managed to build a pretty successful life for myself, navigating my own path through education, work , and family life.  For my daughter, getting a diagnosis was necessary so that she could receive the supports and services that would help her reach her true potential.  For myself...these services were not necessary.  And for many of us that are older...these supports and services were simply not available when we were younger.  Autism was not something that recognized or acknowledged. 

 

Through a quick google search I came across this information....Autism was first described in 1943, but was referred to as "childhood schizophrenia."  It wasn't until the 1980's that research proved that autism was a separate condition from schizophrenia.  And, it wasn't until 1994 that autism was first officially identified as a "spectrum disorder," which would include those seen as "high functioning."  

 

You may be wondering....why are so many people labeled as "autistic" these days?  These traits have always been present in our society....but it hasn't been until recently in history that scientific research has caught up with what we know now about autism. 

 

Think about this....how many people missed the opportunity to develop to their true potential, had we only known more back then?

 

When you see the list of autistic traits below, you'll realize that we probably ALL  fall somewhere on this "spectrum" and can see many of these traits in ourselves.  

 

In doing research, I learned that the autistic community does not really see autism as a "spectrum" where there is a rating from high functioning to low functioning and you are placed somewhere within that line.  Rather, the autism community sees autism as a collection of common traits, and within each trait your struggles can be placed on a continuum based on how much it affects you personally.  What that means...

 

You can be labeled as low functioning because your traits are noticeable to others.....

          - nonverbal 

          - repetitive movements (body flapping) 

          - emotional regulation (tantrums, outbursts)

......but you can still have incredible strengths in other areas

          - good with numbers

          - see patterns

          - expertise in your area of passion

 

But....you can also be labeled as high functioning because you seem able to blend in with societies norms....

          - verbal (high vocabulary)

          - intelligent 

          - just "quirky & unique"

.....but you can still struggle immensely with things that are not noticeable to others (or maybe even yourself)

          - social cues (missing things others just seem to get)

          - social anxiety/awkwardness (having to pretend...just don't feel "comfortable" around others)

          - routines & structure (without it the anxiety builds)

 

This symbol is called the "infinity symbol" and it is something that I have seen used frequently on message boards by people in the autistic community.  Instead of seeing autism as a linear progression, this infinity symbol represents the broad and varied spectrum of experiences within "neurodiversity.'   

Here are some of the traits of autism and how I see them (or don't) in myself.  

 

Keep in mind...."masking" is a trait of autism which is very common with girls.  Autistic masking (camouflaging) is the conscious or unconscious suppression of natural autistic responses.  It is hiding, or controlling behaviors that may be viewed as inappropriate in situations.  Autistic people may feel the need to copy the social behavior of others (and hide their own behaviors) in order to be accepted and fit in.  

 

Again....I do not claim to be autistic.  That is something I do not know about myself.  But masking could be a reason that these challenges listed below are not noticeable to people around me....even people that know me very well.  

Autistic Traits Do I see this in myself? How?
SOCIAL CHALLENGES WITH....
making friends & interacting with peers yes On the outside I appear social with people I know. But, in actuality I really don't have any true adult friends...someone I would confide in with and go to with any problem, and someone I would spend social time with on a regular basis. I have coworkers that I consider "friends" that I interact with while at work. I have "mom friends" that I interacted with when my kids were doing activities. I have "college friends" that I got along with great in college, but have since drifted apart with busy lives. But...when I go home in the evenings and on the weekends, it's pretty much just me and my family. The last friend I can remember hanging out with on a regular basis was probably back in high school. Actually, for my wedding, it was a struggle to come up with people to have be my bridesmaids, because I didn't really have any friends. I ended up having 2 bridesmaids, but both of them at the time were more casual friends than lifelong besties.
understanding appropriate greetings not usually I usually pick up on most greetings appropriately....but sometimes I do find myself giving a response that doesn't match the situation.
understanding sarcasm, metaphors, or idioms sometimes I usually do okay with this area....but often I find myself having to have jokes explained to me because I just "don't seem to get" the punch line. Sometimes, when people are being sarcastic and funny.....it takes me awhile to realize that they are not being serious, which causes some awkward situations at times.
sharing or managing group assignments yes I tend to be "controlling" when sharing the work load. I don't remember this much from my younger years in high school and college, but I really notice it now when I do projects at work. I tend to have a vision of what I want the project to look like, and then I go overboard and do most of the work so that it will look the way I want it to in the end. I think this can sometimes come across as me being very dedicated to my work....but it can also come across as me being pushy and controlling, which has caused some tension at times.
focusing too much attention on themselves instead of others yes Most of this happens inside my head and others probably don't notice.... Things that have been pointed out to me by my family.... - When someone asks me how I'm doing or how my day was....I answer them and then move on. It doesn't occur to me to reciprocate and ask how their day was. I do that now, but I have to mentally remind myself that I need to reciprocate the question to be polite. - When we have guests and I am hungry/thirsty, I get myself a snack or drink....without asking if they want something. It doesn't even occur to me that as a hostess I should find out if they want something too. I do this now, but only because it has been pointed out MULTIPLE times by my mother and husband. :)
interrupting and having a hard time concentrating on a converstaion yes This also mostly happens inside my head....when someone is having a conversation with me, my mind immediately jumps to how this relates to me and I start focusing on my own story and sometimes realize that I'm not really listening fully. I have to hold myself back not to immediately reply with my own story or connection, and remind myself that there situation is not about me.
regulating the tone and volume of voice sometimes my husband has had to "shush" me on more than one occasion because I have no idea how loud I am talking. In my mind, I think I'm talking softly, in a whisper, and then he'll tell me that I"m almost yelling.
Intense Special Interests
hobbies (or obsessions) that take on a different intensity yes I have gone through different stages of hobbies that I become obsessed with. I don't know if this is more of an OCD thing, or special interests. Here are some of the stages of interests that I have gone through in my lifetime....music (tried many different instruments in high school), books (obsessive need to read different series), puzzles, painting, etc. None of these things were at an expert level for me....but they seemed to overtake my life and obsessions at certain times throughout the years.
Becoming an "expert" in your field possibly now.... I look around my friends and family and see people all around me that have turned a hobby/obsession into something that they have become an expert in....music, art, building, organization, design, etc. For me....this is something that I see as a knewly forming obsession. I think my area of obsession has always been teaching. Since we have walked through the journey of dyslexia with my son, I see myself becoming obsessed with learning all I can about dyslexia and become an "expert" in that field.
having "unusual" interests no I see this in my daughter, but not necessarly in myself.
EMOTIONAL SENSITIVITY WITH...
intense reactions to frustrating or normal life experiences not usually I am usually pretty even-keeled with my emotions, but I have had two instances in my professional career where I have overreacted to stressful situations and had emotional outbursts that were probably inappropriate. Thankfuly both of these instances were able to be worked past, but they created very stressful situations for all parties involved. And looking back, both were situations were my frustration was warranted, but my reaction was not appropriate or in line with my usual personalitiy.
intense reaction to unexpected changes in plans/routines yes My husband can attest to the fact that I often overreact to changes that he tries to make to our "schedule". I've told him manhy times in the past...."unless it's written on the schedule, it isn't happening" because it would cause me such stress.
PHYSICAL SENSATION SENSITIVITY TO...
loud noises sometimes There are certain "tones" that I don't like and they produce a physical reaction that makes me feel very anxious. Crying children, fast & loud talking (i.e....my overly zealous daughter), multiple conversations happening at the same time around me.
crowds sometimes This didn't used to bother me...but since COVID, I find myself extremely uncomfortable and anxious in larger crowds.
bright lights sometimes Lights in general don't seem to bother me too much, but I do prefer to have the room dimmed if possible. I also have a great sensitivity to sunlight. I pretty much always have to wear sunglasses outside, even on cloudy days. It just "seems" bright to me....even when others don't think so.
uncomfortable clothing yes I always thought I had just found my "style".....boot cut trouser pants. But, now I realize that it was actually the feel of the clothing that I liked. I don't like anything clinging to my legs (leggings are a definite NO for me!) and I like pants to hang down over my shoes so they aren't touching my ankles. I like shirts that are loose around the waist and don't cling to my waist, so I wear a lot of oversized shirts.
physical touching by another person no
bad smells or tastes sometimes Things that make me immediately react....the smell of fish. The feel of a food that is squishy when I think it should be hard (think...cream puff that I thought was a donut hole).
Focus on routines, repetition, and restrictive habits...
doing something for an exact number of minutes/times no
wearing the same outfit everyday sometimes During my work week I have a rotation of clothes. It brings me great comfort to know that I wear the exact same outfit every Wednesday & Friday (my jeans days). The other days of the weak are a little more stressful because I know that I will wear one of 3 dress pants (with the matching shirt that goes with it), but I stress over which ones to choose each day.
getting exactly ___ hours of sleep each night not anymore I don't stress over sleep anymore (I used to make sure I could schedule at least 5-6 hours....until that was determental to my health...now I get a decent amount of sleep). But I do obsess over food in this way. Getting a certain number of food groups/ounces/etc. Though this has gotten better.
eating the same meal every day yes Meal planning probably has caused me the most stress over the last few years. Breakfast and lunch are easy.....I have been eating exactly the same meal during the work week for breakfast and lunch....for probably 10 years! And I love it! It brings me an incredibly calm feeling to know exactly what I am going to make/pack for meals. Dinner and weekends are what cause me an incredible amount of stress. On the weekends, my husband will suggest making a family breakfast, and my first reaction ALWAYS is stress...... thinking "but what about my usual breakfast with exact food groups" instead of enjoying the thought of a relaxing family breakfast In my mind I want meals to be easy and repetitive. I've gone through stages of having a rotating "dinner schedule" that will be the same every week. My husband and children....were not a fan!! I stress over having casseroles, because I went through stages of having to measure every food group on my plate, and in a casserole everything is mixed together and hard to measure. So, in my mind, casseroles are still stressful to think about.
EXECUTIVE PLANNING PROBLEMS WITH...
making and sticking to schedules yes I have since found ways to cope with this...but earlier in life I found it very difficult to organize my life and be on time for things. I was always late to appointments and was overwhelmed with how to fit everything in. I now have a "system" of yearly calendar, weekly whiteboard, and daily sticky notes that help me keep everything orderly....but I can get very stuck on the schedule and have a hard time straying from it.
following timelines yes I have also since found ways to cope with this....but I found it very difficult to map out how much time I actually had to finish something. I was usually pretty good with long term projects, but I couldn't seem to get my day to day timelines down. I always thought I had more time to finish "just one more thing" which caused me to always be running late and in a frenzy. My husband has since taught me how to "backwards plan" starting with my ending time and working my way back to "now." Without using this strategy...I would still be late for everything, because in my mind I can't seem to "see" the timeline with appropriate time lengths for how long something will take.
schedule changes sometimes I am good with schedule changes.....if I can have time to write them down and change my minds thinking. If you spring something on me suddenly and expect an immediate change in schedule, it causes me great confusion and anxiety....evern though I might not show it. EXCEPT.....for some reason, schedule changes due to emergencies (kid getting hurt....seems to happen often with my son) seem to do just find for me. That must just be some natural reaction that takes over for me in an emergency reaction.
CALMING TECHNIQUES
Sensory avoidance sometimes Now that I know crowds bother me, I put earbuds in to create a calm sensation for myself in these situations
Sensory seeking behavior no (bumping into things, getting into tight spaces, etc.)
Repetitive behaviors yes I didn't notice these things in myself until we started exploring this path with my daughter....but now I notice myself doing these things quite a bit. Rocking back and forth, creating rhythm patterns with my hands/feet, flicking my fingers, etc...
self injury behaviors sometimes skin picking, pinching, biting skin to leave teeth marks, biting lips,
echolalia (repetition of words/phrases) yes This also usually happens in my mind....I begin repeating the same phrases/songs over and over again in my mind. Repeatedly.....for a LONG time. I hear an unusal word and feel the need to say it out loud to myself many times.
withdrawl yes I find myself withdrawing from stressful situations....but sometimes this is due to social frustrations, and othertimes it's due to depression.
Dissociation (being or feeling disconnected from the present) yes This happens to my daughter quite a bit...but for me, it seems to happen when I am driving. Sometimes I will be driving long distances and all the sudden I can't remember the last hour of driving and how I got this far on the highway. Sometimes it happens when I am in a familiar location, and for a split second I have no idea where I am or what direction I am supposed to go. I feel like I am in a totally foreign location.

These are just the rambling thoughts I have had about myself as we've walked through this journey of autism with my daughter.  I have no idea if I am actually autistic or not, but acknowledging these struggles in myself has brought me peace and acceptance in my life.  It has helped me to embrace the things that I am naturally inclined towards (organizing, teaching, planning)  and it has helped me to accept the limitations I may have in the areas that I seem to struggle (social interactions, food routines, repetitive routines).  

 

My hope is that by sharing these thoughts about myself....it can help someone else maybe come to accept the traits in themselves that help strength their passions, and cause struggles in other interactions.