Bittersweet
It's hard to explain that moment, when you realize that you're once bubbling, energetic, and social elementary-aged child....has now become a teenager whose social dynamics has changed drastically. It's not something you notice right away, because the change happens slowly....over many years.
You only notice it when other parents start talking about events and sharing pictures. It's then that you realize... "Wait a second.....that's not what life is like for my child." This weekend the reminder was prom. But, the event isn't really the reminder, it's the pictures of groups of friends together....realizing that your child doesn't have that "tribe" of friends anymore.
Facebook is my constant reminder of how much things have changed on the social front for my children. Am I sad about that? I"m not sure....
Some of the triggers for me are...
- Seeing photos of all of the kids my child used to hang out with...realizing that those former "friends" are more of acquaintances now
- Having other moms share old birthday photos from Memories....and remembering back when your child used to have friends
- Seeing prom pictures....and realizing that your child didn't have any friend groups to go with
- Seeing kids go to school sporting events....and realizing your child doesn't feel comfortable there
- Seeing photos of kids out doing social activities with classmates, and realizing that your child only does those things with siblings & parents.
My three children are all fabulous human beings that I am incredibly proud to be able to call my own! They all have their own personalities, likes/dislikes, and all of them have very differing social situations. Below is an overview of what I have noticed about my own children and their social scene...both past and present. Maybe it will sound familiar to some of you...
| Child 1- ALONE.... AND HAPPY ABOUT IT | Child 2 - THE OUTSIDER.....LOOKING IN | Child 3 - THE SOCIAL BUTTERFLY | |
|---|---|---|---|
| Interaction with peers as a young child | From what I remember, my daughter was pretty social as a young child. She had a good group of friends and spent lots of time having playdates and sleepovers...both at our house and at her friends house. Looking back though....I wonder how much of that was initiated by my daughter, and how much of that was me planning social events for her. | My son was very social as a young child and had lots of friends in daycare and early elementary school. We had lots of friends over to our house for playdates and sleepovers...but after a while I realized that this was not really reciprocated by his friends. My son was very interested in playing with other kids and would try and organize his own "sleepovers" when he was in daycare and kindergarten. | My youngest was our "wild child." She had spunk and energy that was unmatched in our family. She was the life of any family event from the time she could talk and walk. Because she had older siblings having sleepovers...she got to experience having friends over from about 3 years old on. |
| Interactions with peers now | Almost none. She has found 1 friend that shares similar interests, but only occasionally hangs out with. And it usually takes a lot of coaxing from us, as parents, to get her to reach out to this friend. | Only at school.... From what I understand he is somewhat social in school and on sporting teams, but appears very quiet and shy to others. He is the "watcher" in the group and observes from the outside ranks, but seems to want to have a desire to be "part of the group." | With our youngest, we are finally seeing what the social scene is like with a "typical" teenager. My daughter is constantly hanging out with a group of friends, either in person, on the phone, or online. She has a decent group of friends at school and hangs out with them in the evenings and on the weekends as well. |
| Socialization with friends at home | None since junior high. Recently started "hanging out" occasionally when she made a new friend last year. | No one has been to our house in about 5 years (except a brief try at dating this year). | Constant rotation of friends in and out of the house. We have to put our foot down and say "no" a lot or else we would have kids spending the night every weekend, and during the week too if she had her way. |
| A parents' worry... | Will there be any close connections in the future? Does she even want to be around others? | Will he find true friends that he connects with, that reciprocate friendship? Will he look for friends in healthy ways? (The internet is scary....) | Will she be able to avoid the "drama" of girl relationships and keep the values that we have instilled in her. Can she continue to be a bold personality without becoming "the mean girl." |
| A parents' role... | Give her space.....take her lead. We are constantly asking if she is lonely or wanting to make friends. So far it doesn't seem like a big priority to her and we need to respect that. We try and give her the space to spend time alone while still encouraging that she reach out occasionally to the friend that she does have. Watch to see what the future will bring....continue to be there as a support when she needs us. | Give him time..... there are lots of people that he is casually connected with at the moment, maybe he just hasn't found his "tribe" yet. Encourage diaglogue and sharing. It isn't exactly easy to try and get a teenage boy to talk about their personal feelings, but we've had some good beginning conversations that have started the trust of being able to share. Give advice when asked for, and give space and privacy when desired. Keep a close eye on internet usage and make sure connections are being made in a healthy and safe way. | Continue to encourage the gathering of friends at our house. If we are spending time around her friends we have a much better idea of the type of people she is hanging out with and the activities that she is doing with those friends. Make sure she stays on the right path and continues to model the values we have tried to instill in her. Peer pressure is going to be a real thing for her and we want to make sure she is making good choices and is able to stand up for what is right. |
Things I have to keep telling myself....
- Everyone's teenagers go through social changes. It's part of growing up.
- People only share the good pictures/things.....they typically leave out the struggles.
- It's okay to be happy for the experiences of other kids...while still being a little sad for your child.
- Comparing my children to others is not healthy or helpful.
- What does my child actually want socially?
- Are they going about it in healthy ways?
Things have been slowly evolving in my children's social lives....and I know there are many changes to come. I have faith that things will work out as they are meant to in the future. My job is simply to support my children and make sure they are happy and healthy, and make sure that I'm not projecting my own goals onto them.
I know that this is not a worry that is unique to myself. All parents worry about their children and the types of connections they are making. I know I have had a lot of conversations over the past few years with fellow mom friends that are concerned about similar social stumbling blocks that their children are experiencing as well. The teenage years are hard. Parenting a teenager is HARD!
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